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Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in michelle_rdgz's LiveJournal:

Thursday, March 9th, 2006
2:28 am
Sunday, night, my house
I was angry. I was angry and sad, and mad and lonely. I missed em, I missed Olivia and i missed my best friend. they have no idea how much i wanted to rewind time and change things but i couldnt. I can't deny my feelings for Em, or Olivia...i'm just torn. and extremly angry because i know em made her way to Sara's and god knows what the hell is going down over there.

I took a shower and sat in front of the t.v with a nice cold beer and flicked through channels. Being alone was soothing but killing me at the same time.
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
1:24 am
Sunday,evening, em's apartment
After me and olivias little talk today i felt some what distraught about my situation. But i figured things would work themselves out later on. Right now what i needed was a good meal, a cold beer and to be enclosed into Em's arms. I knew those things would be waiting for me, that's why the pull between Olivia and Em is too much for me. I love Olivia, but Em is my fire and my heat. And when it's just her and I she is sweet and kind and funny and goofy and just beautiful.

I unbutton my work shirt and walk up the porch step too stressed out for words. I knock on her door and wait. I couldn't wait to see her, my one and only antagonist and i wanted to bust through the door if it would get me to her faster.
Saturday, January 7th, 2006
5:27 pm
thursday,evening, looney bin
I asked the doc if i could just be alone in a private room. I wasn't expecting anyone today so i just wanted to sit and collect my thoughts. I felt at peace just being alone, staring out this window that gave me so much solace. I'd have to call Olivia, but i had a feeling she would ignore it. I pissed her off last time, but i'm just not ready to face the world again. I had finally faced my problems and i was stripped and so vulnerable. I felt as if someone could blow on me and i'd simply fly away. I sigh heavily and close my eyes and think of Olivia and what we've been going through. I close my eyes and imagine how it used to be, me sitting just like this on the back porch. Ice cold beer in one hand and Olivia would come out and kiss my neck softly. Sit in my lap and we'd just sit in silence, watching the world go by. How i missed her, how i missed my old life.
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
11:17 pm
Wednesday-late morning- looney bin
I sat in the seat waiting for her guest to arrive. The doc felt that i should begin to face my anger and who causes my out bursts. So he arranged a meeting with me and Em. Me and her, empty room and plenty of elbow space to whoop her ass. This was the ultimate test to see if i've improved a little. I knew she was going to come in here with her mouth flying, but i'd have to do my best just to remember my training and squeeze my stress ball. They had given me one shaped like an easter egg. I rolled it around in my hands as i waited for this dreaded meeting to begin.
Sunday, January 1st, 2006
6:15 pm
--The looney bin, morning
I had been in for a week and had realized a lot about myself. I had been seeing a therapist and just reflecting. I hadn't had a beer in 7 days. And i was okay, i just felt happier. Without the stress from town and em and all that other bullshit. I was just calmer, i could hear it in my tone my entire demeanor. I just felt good. I let my hair down and put on some jeans and a marines shirt and go in one of the private rooms. Me and Olivia had an appointment today. Were supposed to catch up, talk and i'm supposed to tell her how things are going. I sit in a chair and wait for her to arrive.
Saturday, December 31st, 2005
2:32 am
Monday-morning-off to crazy land
I had finished packing my last bag. I couldn't believe i was going through with this. I pulled out the pamplet i was given. Shady acres...god it even sounded like a crazy house. I open it up and read some on it and shake my head. I can't believe i was on my way to a loony bin. Christ what is happening with my fucking life. But me going made olivia happy, deep down it made me happy too. I needed to get some help, talk to someone about the mission and the drinking and the violence. I grab my bags and haul them onto the porch and sit down on the steps waiting for the wagon to come and the big men dressed in all white to come haul me away to the big house.
Saturday, December 24th, 2005
1:54 am
Sunday, late morning, my house
After having some great christmas sex and showering i put on one of those dopey looking santa claus hats and get things prepared for our 'guest'. I hope Jb and Rosie stop by, Olivias not in bitch mode. I've never seen her happier...especially after i show her my gift that is waiting outside for her. A car...lord knows she needs one, i dont trust her in my truck and the police car is way off limits. It's nothing fancy...just a little black jeep i bought off some used lot. But i hope she likes it, Sara said that blondes love jeeps...i hope she was right. It's not a brand new car she'd probably get back home, thats why i hesitated in buying it. I didn't want her in anything less than the best but my pockets aren't as deep as her parents. I'm half wondering what she bought me, i really don't care...she's the best gift i've ever recieved.
Sunday, August 7th, 2005
8:51 pm
Monday, evening
I made it to base and had a pretty good understanding of what was asked of me. I was basically going on a suicide mission...i wasn't expected to make it back. I wasn't going to tell her..but i had to call her...she had the right to know. I find a some-what private area at the base and dial her up, hoping she would understand. But not Olivia..she was going to be pissed..especially pissed when i tell her we wont be able to communicate for a while. I lean back in a seat sighing...i know she's going to cry..because i am already.
Friday, July 29th, 2005
11:23 pm
I change the channel, its getting late. No Jordana, no Rosario..and no truck. What did they do with my baby, probably totaled it!! Man i want to start a search party, put my truck on the back of a milk carton. Anything! Look at Olivia....damn i want to hit that. She knows it too but i must resist. I swear to God if she bites her lip im fucking her, i'll fuck her IN a dress if she wants. Stupid T.v nothing is ever on this late.

"Where and the fuck are they?" I say flicking through channels. More importantly, where's my god damn truck.
Friday, July 15th, 2005
6:13 pm
Taking a major step
I look over at her, blonde hair framing her face perfectly. She was my angel, my guardian angel. I place a kiss to her forehead and rise off the floor rubbing my back. Making love on the floor was great but sleeping on it was a different story. Getting ready quickly, i had some shopping to do. I searched all of Athena for a jeweler, and di not find one so i decided to venture out of town and found the perfect one just beside Athena.

I walk inside looking around, a jeweler practically swarming me.

"Can i help you?"

"Yeah, looking for some rings...a nice ones."

"Hmmm, proposing to that fella huh'? Can't wait for them to get the guts all your life?"

I grin a little, letting a smirk slide onto my face. "Actually it's for me and my girlfriend."

"Oh." He says looking around a bit. "I see...we have a wide variety of rings take a look around and just call me if you need anything.

Yeah right ya fucking prick. "Yeah sure thing." I walk around a bit waiting for something to catch my eye. The price tags were killing me, but she was worth it. I wanted it to be beautiful, just like she was.
There they are!

"Hey, i think i got them." I say with a grin.

"What does the writing mean?"

"It means, our love is forever."

"Good...good, how much?"

"1200 hundred dollars."

"You take visa?"

I take the two rings and exit the shop. I run to the bookstore and buy Proposing for idiots and then jump into my truck. It was still pretty early, Olivia should be waking soon so i had to hurry.

Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
9:14 pm
My place
I woke up and went for a long jog to clear my head...hadn't heard from Olivia. Didn't want to...if i saw her i'd probably blurt out everything. Everything being me and Em's little adventure. I return home and take a shower and avoid the front porch by all means. I was so worked up last night i stayed up and put the rest of the boards down, they looked a hell of a lot better. I throw on some boxers and settle for my sports bra as a top. I go in my kitchen and pour a cup of orange juice and sit down on the couch in front of the t.v reading the paper and glancing up at cartoons. Vacation was going good...but my personal life was in turmoil.
Sunday, June 5th, 2005
9:10 pm
I've cleaned the station up pretty well, everything had a place now. Things out of place just bothered me. I sit in my chair thumbing through old files, everything seems alright. I refile them and sit back into my chair. I had just done a once over the town, nothing was wrong. I think of Olivia and our meeting with Ed. I'd met him before myself but with me and Olivia's connection now...

....Olivia...i couldn't go two minutes without thinking of her. One, because of the scars,two, becuase i love her. The way that blonde hair got in the way of those green eyes. They lit up when she spoke, they were dull when she was sad. I never want to seem them like that again.

I love her..I wish i could hear her say she loved me, just once...she'd never have to say it again...i see it in her eyes but it means so much more when its vocal. I sigh and lean back in the chair adjusting my holster. I wonder what she's doing, probably leaning over the counter listening to that band thats always playing. The minifan on my desk is not working so i unbutton my uniform top and take it off. Better, the wife beater underneath gave me a little room to breath. Might as well get a little bit of exercise in. I know i'm a exercise whore but what the hell. I rise from my seat and get down on the floor in push-up position. I begin to do them slowly then pick up the pace. Sweat is dripping now, muscles tightening. I lift one arm up and begin to do one-armed push-ups. Yeah that would help me in more areas than criminal justice. Exercise always helped me think....maybe i could take her some where tonight. Maybe we could watch a movie or take a walk...who knows, but it felt good to know that if i called right now...she'd be up for just about anything with me.
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